My grandma and I just got into an argument, and although it just happened, I couldn’t tell you what it was about.

At the end of the day, I’m still pissed off at her for kicking me and Jeremy out of her house back in May. She annoys the living shit out of me by always throwing old shit in my face. She says stuff like, “I’m tired of being used and abused,” or she’ll rub in in my face that she paid my bills or has done stuff for me all my life, which was essentially out of pity because my dad wasn’t there for me growing up.

I don’t have the time or energy to argue with her about anything, but I still do. Why do I waste so much of my life doing so? I haven’t the slightest idea, but I feel disrespected by her when she rubs things in my face because a lot of the things she’s done for me, I feel was out of pity, so can you blame me for getting pissed off at her for making me feel like shit for what she decided to do on her own free will? I think not!

Don’t overcompensate for shit just to rub it in my face later is all I’m saying.

My mom caused my grandma to lose her house and she takes her anger out on everyone, except for the person who caused the problem in the first place. She’ll yell at me and say shit about how she’s been “‘used and abused,” but I don’t see what I’m doing to “use and abuse” her if SHE’S the one who said that she and my mom would help pay my bills. I wound up using my financial aid refund to pay my bills and get some things for myself and my house, which ran out last month or so, and now I have a bunch of bills that are due, as well as past due, and she’s telling me that since I’m doing her “wrong,” that she’s not going to pay my bills anymore, so I don’t know what I’m going to do at this point because I still haven’t received any of the child support payments for my son.

It’s no secret that I live on welfare and I have no income other than that, unless my friends are generous enough to let me borrow some money, which isn’t too often because they have their own bills to pay and whatnot. I just don’t think it’s fair that I have to deal with all the bullshit that my grandma is dishing out at me for shit that had/s nothing to do with me. She’s always trying to talk to me about why I snap at her, but I don’t have shit to say to her and she doesn’t realize that. If I don’t want to talk to you, then WHY THE FUCK are you trying to force me? You’d think in all the years she’s raised me, she’d know not to make me do something I don’t want to do, including talk. I sit at home by myself all day everyday, so when she comes over, I don’t want to talk to anybody.

I can’t lie and say that I’m over the past because I’m not, and, of course, I’m still pissed off at my grandma for kicking me out the house when Jeremy was sick.

His shit was neon colors and sprayed out of his butt like water, I mean this literally, and she didn’t care. We could’ve wound up dead and she would have been to blame for it because my nosey ass cousin decided to tell my grandma about a video I posted on Facebook about dick sizes. SO FUCKING WHAT?! I’m grown. I don’t need anyone’s permission to post what the fuck I want on the internet. It may come back to bite me in the ass on day, but it’s not that serious in my opinion. It’s not like I was posting pictures or videos of myself doing anything vulgar, so I don’t see what the issue is really. People like to make shit bigger than what it is.

At this point in the game, I don’t know what to do. Unless I get a job within the next couple weeks, I don’t know what I’m going to do as far as paying my bills cuz like I said before, I don’t have any income other than what welfare gives me, and that’s not enough to cover all of my bills. Only, one, and part of another if I’m lucky.

I do snap at her and yell at her, and I know that I shouldn’t, but I’m so sick and tired of her and her constant bullshit, and throwing stuff in my face, and her temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. We’re too fucking old to be doing shit like that, but she’s set in her ways. I have the potential to change, and I know that I can, as long as I’m away from her and my mom. Even though my mom and I never have had the best relationship, I have a better relationship with her now since my grandma kicked me out.

I feel BEYOND betrayed by the both of them.

No one understands how I feel, and that’s the worst part about this situation. All of their negativity trickles down on Jeremy whether they realize, or care, or not, and I’m just tired of it all.

I don’t know what I’m going to do…