It seems relationships are just not for me.

I’ve never been the girl with long hair, curvy hips, or a big ass and boobs, so it’s natural that I get picked last, if you will, to be someone’s girlfriend, and I could be extremely wrong, but I feel like most guys pursue me just to have sex… Then again, I could be right, BUT a lot of guys have the sole purpose of just wanting sex from me, and not a relationship, which is, to me, a natural part of being a guy, and that’s mostly why I keep my guard up and won’t pursue a guy who wants to date me, or at least acts like he does.

Let me reiterate that it DOES NOT happen often, and the last time it happened was fairly recently, but all the guy talked about was a us having a future together, and sex, and I ignore him as often as I can because, for one, he’s annoying, and two, nothing scares me more than thinking of myself having a future with someone who wants to be with me, unlike De’Sean, who I feel as though he feels forced to have a relationship with me, so he “runs” from his “problem,” which is having a child with someone who he no longer wants anything to do with.

But anyway, back to my foes and allies of relationships.

Foes: overthinking, a constant need for attention, and the lack of self-restraint.

I can take one bit of information and make the biggest issue out of it. Like this dilemma I’m having about a sweat suit De’Sean’s co-worker bought for Jeremy for Christmas. I’m not as worked up about it as I was before, but it’s still bothering me a bit. To me, it’s just a matter of respect, that’s all. And if the line was crossed, then of course, it’s going to be an issue, and I will make and issue of it. Whether De’Sean and I are together or not, I demand respect from him, and those around him. I don’t sully his name and I don’t allow those around me to do so; therefore, and I want the same amount of respect. It’s as simple as that.

I NEED ATTENTION! And if I don’t get all of it, I’ll get really pissed. Growing up was difficult because most of the attention I ever got was when I did something negative, so what do you do? Whatever it is that will get you some attention, no matter what it is or how you affect someone else. I like to think of myself as a rebel opposed to a “bad girl” because I don’t believe in falling into the norms of society, or doing what people think a “lady” should do. Fuck that! I like to smoke and drink, have wild sex, and get crunk and go hard, and as long as my grown-up business is taken care of (i.e.: bills paid, son taken care of, etc.), I can do what I damn well please. I’m a grown woman, and whoever doesn’t like it can suck my right nut. I spit, cuss, and wear bummy and baggy clothes because that’s what I feel like doing, and that’s what makes me who I am. That’s what makes me comfortable in my own skin.

I am a self-proclaimed opportunist. I will do just about anything as long as the opportunity presents itself. If there is no one around to stop me, I will do and say just about anything. Although I am old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with a lot of the decisions I make, AS LONG AS is doesn’t affect anyone directly or indirectly.

I’ve always been an opportunist when it comes to sex because I like it. I’ve slowed down a lot since I had a baby, but who am I really trying to fool? I could get with any guy I want, but that doesn’t make me a slut, hoe, etc. I enjoy sex A LOT more than most people, I think, and I don’t sleep with strangers or anything like that, just guys that I have an emotional connection with, but there’s no point in having feelings or emotions for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me, so I stopped having sex, and have only had sex once since then. At this point in my life, it doesn’t mean as much to me as being in a committed, loving relationship with someone who accepts all of me.

Allies: assertiveness and open-mindedness. Yessss!!

I’ve always been assertive. Whether I was being loud and aggressive, or stating my opinion and walking away, it’s always been my strong suit. My open-mindedness ties into this because NO ONE wants to hear a closed-minded S.O.B. run off at the mouth about anything. I like to research facts, and listen to other peoples’ opinions before I give mine so that I can understand where that person stands on the issue at hand. I also love to debate, not argue, but debate on certain issues. I can debate any topic, but I stay away from religion and gay rights. That’s a big no-no for me. I believe what the Bible says, whether God exists or not, but I also believe in rights for homosexual couples. If God is real, and homosexuality is a sin, then that’s for him to be the judge, but as long as I’m alive, I will not be mean or rude to any homosexual being because they are human just like I am.

At the end of the day…

·         I don’t need to be in a relationship until my life is in order;

·         I don’t need to be such an attention whore when I’m in a relationship; and

·         I hope that one day Mr. Right finds me, and we can live together in harmony, make babies, and have a great life with each other.

But until then, I’m on my grind to make a better life for Jeremy and me.

End of story… for now.