Okay, hold up!!!

My grandma said she didn’t have any money, but she just stopped by my house and gave me her debit card and yelled at me about her “being late for work,” and that I haven’t called her since my mom left for vacation. There are A LOT of things wrong with this picture.

1. I thought she didn’t have any money???
2. There’s no way she can be “late for work.” She cleans a house in Paradise Valley, and has been doing so for 26 years. They don’t care when she show’s up to work!
3. She hasn’t randomly popped up but once since my mom left. My mom will be back today, so she’ll start randomly popping up again, and how can I call her if my phone is off?! WTF?!
4. WHY THE HELL DO I NEED TO CALL HER? I don’t have shit to say to her if it isn’t about my bills that she said she’d help me pay, but she steadily complains about it, and she’s the one who said she’d do it.

I don’t get this retarded ass family, but especially my mom and grandma.

But as the title says, I’d rather live under a bridge. I get treated like shit, constantly, and for really no reason at all. I live by myself, and I don’t understand why they’re always at my house, telling me what to do and all this other stuff.

Ugh! I wish I had a job. I don’t know how much more of this I can take!!

My phone bill, gas, water, and internet bills are all past due.

My phone has been off for the last few days and I told my sister to call my grandma and tell her that my phone was off, which I’m pretty sure she knows by now, and the bill needs to be paid, and she told my sister she didn’t have any money, which I know is a lie because my grandma ALWAYS has money, whether it’s in the bank or somewhere hidden in her house, she always has money. If she doesn’t want to give em any money to pay the bill, then she doesn’t have to, but she needs to say that and stop telling people she doesn’t have any money.

A couple of weeks ago she told me I needed to go live in Laveen (on 67th Ave & Baseline) in a house with her, my little sister and brother, and my mom, but I told her I wasn’t going to move all the way out there. My mom and sister have have never liked me, so what the hell do I look like living in a house with them ever again in life? I don’t even want them at my house half the time they’re here. My mom has always liked my little sister and brother more, and people think I’m crazy when I say that, but if you weren’t raised by her, or lived with her, then you don’t know what really goes on behind closed doors.

I had to hear constantly, and even to this day, that my sister graduated from high school with her Associate’s degree. I stopped caring about school in the 4th grade when my sister brought home better grades than me and I had tot hear about it, so why would that change just because I got older. I ditched class, drank, smoked, the whole nine yards, just to avoid school, but I stopped my wild ways Junior year, so that I made sure I graduated. Although I didn’t get my Associate’s degree when I graduated, I still graduated nonetheless, and I also went to school over the summer RIGHT after I had graduated.

I already feel like shit. I’m 20 with a kid, I can’t go to school, I haven’t worked in almost two years, I got kicked out of my house last year, and now I’m stuck with a bunch of past due bills that I can’t even pay.

I had to go to court in November for child support and I still haven’t received any payments. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a way to Gilbert to go to the actual building where they handle all of the child support stuff and it’s not like can ask anyone because they’ll all want gas money that I don’t have.

I can’t ask anyone for anything because I can’t pay them back. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point.

I’m taking Jeremy to his dads house for the first time in months. I don’t really want to make an hour and a half trip. I’m trying to be a bit more flexible, but the last time I was at his house, he was talking on the phone and on ooVoo with his girlfriend, and he didn’t speak to me. I stayed an hour and left. The time before that, he put me out and didn’t even say bye to Jeremy.

For those two reasons alone, I hate having to go to his house. It really isn’t a big deal to me that he lives so far away, it’s just the fact that he’s either rude to me or disrespects me. It doesn’t happen all the time, but one time is enough for me.

I try my hardest to be nice to him when he’s mean to me, love him when he doesn’t deserve it,  the whole enchilada, but at this point, I have no other choice but to be a hard ass and to stay on him about seeing Jeremy. He knows that I don’t have a problem with him spending time with his son, my issue is with is whole attitude about the situation. When he doesn’t get what he wants he throws tantrums and gives me the “silent treatment” if you will, and when he’s mad at me, he distances himself, but also from Jeremy.

That bugs me more than anything. My pops wasn’t around because he and my mom didn’t get along. Now that I’m older and I can judge things for myself, I would have left too, but despite the issues they had, he still had two children with her, and there’s no excuse great enough to pardon a father not taking care of his kids.

I hope that today goes smoothly, if anything. No tension, no drama, nothing negative. Just good things. =)

This is a list that describes me! What I like, dislike, etc., and some of them will have a brief summary of why.

I Like/ Enjoy:

Food:

I am an emotional eater. I eat when I’m happy, sad, depressed, etc. I use to eat a lot after the eighth grade thinking I would gain weight or get a bigger ass, but it never happened.

Movies

I don’t need to explain this really, but I watch movies all the time, even the same one’s over and over again, so that I can escape from my life. It sucks being alone and depressed all the time.

Sleep

Sleep doesn’t need to be explained, but then again, it’s another way for me to escape the real world.

I Dislike/ Hate:

Sex

I’ve had a lot of it, and at this point in my life, it doesn’t mean much to me anymore. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m not having sex again in life, it’s just that I’d rather have sex with someone who loves and cares about me. I don’t want to rush into a relationship just for sex because I can get it when I want to, but I just rather not be bothered with having to plan it out. Since having Jeremy, I don’t get much time to myself, so when I do, I usually go to the club, I don’t invite guys over to my house to have sex. I want someone with substance. To me it’s more about quality than quantity. Getting the most guys doesn’t faze me anymore, but finding the one guy who’s worth it is where the real challenge is. I don’t want it if it’s that easy.

My Family

Okay, so, were supposed to love our family and all that shit, but I can’t stand mine. My mom and grandma, in my opinion, are punishing me for having my son so young. My grandma was fifteen when she had my uncle, I was nineteen when I had Jeremy, and my mom was twenty-four when she has my brother, so I’m kind of in the middle. My mom doesn’t want to be bothered with Jeremy at her house, but she’ll come to my house and try to dictate to me what I do and don’t need to do, in regards to raising him. Sometimes I do agree with her, but she needs to butt out. My grandma has the same issue. She wants me to stay home with Jeremy and not go out or have a life, but I’m not going through that the way that she did. If I want to go out, then dammit, I’m going, and I won’t let her ruin my plans again like she did for New Year’s Eve. I’m still pissed off about that by the way.

People

I hate people, mostly females, and black females especially, because they cause too much drama, and for no reason. I could go in on this, but I won’t because I’ll just wind up making myself angry, but I will say that I hate how judgmental people are.

Being A Mom

Don’t get me wrong and misinterpret things and make it seem like I hate my son because I don’t. I hate being a mom. I hate it because I feel that I am too immature, I have no real goals in life, I have no job, no car, no money, and no sense of direction as to where I want my life to go. I feel that it was the worst mistake I could have made thus far in life. I feel that no matter what I do, I suck at this gig. I feel like shit because I can’t go into the store and buy something for Jeremy. Even though he’s only one, I’d still like for him to have nice things. I feel like I’m a failure as a mother because I get really frustrated with him and yell at him sometimes. Every now and then I get a break from being around him and I feel guilty because I don’t call to check up on him. I don’t know what I’m doing and I feel like I’ll always suck as a mother. I couldn’t keep his dad around, and I feel like Jeremy will leave me too, or resent me like his dad does. I wish I could make all the negative feelings about being a mom would go away, but I know it’s not going to happen until I have a way to support him on my own. I don’t like to ask for help when I need it because my mom and grandma talk down on me about it sometimes, whether they know or will admit to it or not. I feel like as Jeremy gets older, I will become like my mom and grandma and Jeremy will hate me.

I Love/ Adore:

Jeremy

AS much as I hate being a mom, I love Jeremy. He can make me mad as hell at him, but he’ll smile at me and it’s like he didn’t do anything at all. He looks just like me, acts like me, and does the funniest things. I just wish I was a better mom to him and could give him stuff like my friends can do for their kids.

Cooking

If you like to eat, you have to know how to cook, and I’m not talking about pressing a button on a microwave.

What I Like About Myself:

I am smart, funny, annoying, head-strong, and one of a kind.

What I Dislike/ Hate About Myself:

1.       The fact that I can’t gain weight

My metabolism is too fast for me to gain weight. It’s a good thing, but I can’t make my body look the way I want it to unless I obtain more body fat, which won’t be happening anytime soon.

2.       My hair

It fell out when I was thirteen years old due to an autoimmune disease and it won’t grow back. I’ve been wearing wigs and have been treated like shit ever since. It’s one thing to be short, but when you’re a short, balding black girl, the shit takes a toll on you when people constantly talk shit about you. They don’t know why my hair fell out, but to be completely honest, whether they know the reason or not, it still does hurt my feelings when people talk about me not having hair. My hair use to hang to the middle of my back and now I look like a boy. I feel ugly and disgusting. My friends say that I look pretty without my hair, but I think they’re only saying it to try and make me feel better. I hate that. I don’t want pity; I just want people to understand my situation before they jump to conclusions. Why would anyone in their right mind, with long flowing hair just cut it all off? I don’t get that. I also feel as though guys don’t talk to me for this reason. It’s not like  woke up one day and decided to do this to myself. Shit happens, and I feel like I’m being judged for it, so I usually don’t talk to guys anymore because as much as I’d like to explain to them from the beginning about my situation, I never do. Not that I really care, but I wonder how they feel about it..

3.       My A-N-T (ass and titties)

The only thing big on me is my nose and lips. I’ve never had a big ass or big tits, well, when I was pregnant, but that didn’t count because if I would have never gotten pregnant, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. I feel that guys never talk to me because I don’t have big boobs and a big butt, and they’d say that they don’t pay attention to that when they’re looking for something in a girl, but they’re lying. I haven’t seen too many guys who go for girls who have good personality. It’s all about looks. Now that I’m older, if I were to get my boobs and ass done, it would be for me, not to please anyone else.

I Wish:

1.       I had my hair back. I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t have hair on my head for the rest of my life, but I still wish I had it back.

2.       I was an inch or two taller.

3.       I had a job so I can buy nice things for Jeremy, and go on vacations.

4.       I had a car.

5.       I had a boyfriend, or at least someone to chill with, and do fun things with.

6.       I had better friends, and better people skills.

7.       The guy that I like would notice me like I notice him. He knows that I like him, but I don’t think he likes me like that, so he ignores me. =/

8.       I was cuter. I really don’t think I’m an attractive person, by any means, and guys tell me I’m cute, beautiful, etc. just to have sex with me. It doesn’t work, but they get an A for trying.

9.       I could be BFF’s with Drake. I love his music, and he seems like a really awesome person. =)

10.   I wish I could meet someone who is made especially for me. The sooner the better, but no rush. I want him to be perfect. <3

One of my rules is to never fall for a guy in the club.

Also, one of my goals for 2012 is not get emotionally involved with anyone.

A couple weeks ago, I broke both of those rules.

I met this guy in the club and he asked me to dance, and the only reason I’m really making an effort to talk to him is because he’s a friend to my best friend. I’d never invest time in a complete stranger… Sounds weird because this guy is a complete stranger, to me at least, but at least I have some sort of idea how he is based on what my friend tells me about him.

I was afraid to text him at first because I didn’t want to seem too eager to talk to him, so I waited until the next day to do so. He texted me back after some hours and we got to talking and he seems like a really laid back and chill person, like the male version of me, and then out of nowhere he just stops texting me.

Normally, I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, but the fact that I like what he brings to the table and I can actually carry a conversation with him. That’s what I enjoy about talking to him more than anything, he draws my attention. He makes me want to get to know him. It’s been almost two weeks since we met, and I don’t mean to come on too strong or anything like that, I just want to get to know him more than anything and see what he’s all about more than anything. I can usually read people well, and he seems like him and I could have a really good time together.

It’s been a long time since I’ve met someone who captures my attention and holds on to it. I get bored really easily, so that’s why I guess I’m making a big thing out of this. I don’t mean too, but me being a woman, a Cancer, and being clingy to men who show me the slightest interest doesn’t help. I hate that I’m clingy, but I grew up without my dad being around, so it’s sort of shaped me into a magnet for male attention. I’m surprised that I’ve been moving so slow with him. Our conversations aren’t about sex, or breast size, like most of my conversations, and that means a lot to me that I’m actually taking the time to get to actually get to know this guy and see what he’s about.

I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to get a clue. I know it hasn’t been that long, but I only want to get to know him better. I’m not trying to start a relationship out of thin air or anything like that. All I want for now is just someone I can chill with who I can be myself with, who brings back that feeling, you know? It’d be nice to have that again.

I hope he understands, but if not, then I’ll be okay.

De’Sean is getting on my nerves, again.

One minute he wants to be cool with me and misses me, then the next he’s making threats towards me because I won’t let him keep Jeremy by himself. I have my reasons for that that I won’t reveal, so just leave it at that.

I have a very low tolerance for any of his bullshit. I’ve dealt with him and his mood swings for the last four years and I refuse to go through it any longer. My name is Sheena, not Dummy, and I refuse to let him walk all over me. I’ve given him what he wants time and time again, but it’s my time now to get what I want, and I want for him to STOP acting like a girl and getting mad at me when he doesn’t get his way. I don’t understand why he can’t accept things the way they are and move on.

He tells me that I act like Jeremy isn’t his son, but who’s the one who’s been taking care of him since birth? Who’s the one who was begging and pleading with him to see his son more, and to buy him diapers and wipes and things like that? I did. My family, as well as myself, of course, has been the main providers for Jeremy. De’Sean has done very little to help me with Jeremy and gets mad because I won’t make an hour and a half bus trip to his house. It would be different if Jeremy wasn’t 26 pounds and I didn’t have to carry his stroller and diaper bag with me, but that’s how it works. I don’t have a car to drive; therefore, I’m stuck taking the bus everywhere, unless I can get a ride, which isn’t too often because everyone wants gas money and I don’t have income other than welfare.

I’m only one person, taking on a major responsibility. I can only do so much, and between taking care of Jeremy at least 95% of the month, the least De’Sean can do is get his ass on a bus and come see his child. I wouldn’t mind meeting him halfway, it’s just that a lot of the time, I don’t have the energy to get dressed, get Jeremy dressed, and go nearly 15 miles, by bus, all the way to his house. You’d think he’d understand that, but, obviously, I didn’t get him pregnant, leave him alone with a baby to raise on his own, and pretty much say fuck you to him and my son. After all this time, it still hurts a little, but, for the most part, I have moved past what he’s done. I don’t hold it over his head like I use to, but, at the end of the day, it did happen, and I’m still a single mother, and he continues to play the “he’s my son” card, and I’m tired of that shit.

So, from now on, if he can’t play by the rules, then I’m not talking to him again. The norm usually consists of him getting mad at me and him not seeing Jeremy for a long time, so I don’t know when the next time he’ll see Jeremy. I hate that for my son, but if De’Sean doesn’t want to be a part of his life, then so be it, but at the end of the day, De’Sean is missing out, and not Jeremy. It sucks that he has to be without his dad, but I will always be the man in his life until one comes along.

• get a job
• get my license
• pay off all my debt
• grow a garden
• go to a concert
• go to church at least twice a month
• take up a new hobby
• read six books
• don’t get emotionally involved with anyone
• go out twice a month
• live opposed to existing
• teach Jeremy how to talk
• manage my money better/ create a budget
• gain a tolerance for alcohol
• not let anyone but me control my life
• get into shape
• learn to sing
• expand my vocabulary
• limit my exposure to negativity
• forgive people who’ve hurt me
• let go of the people who mean no good
• be nice to people who aren’t nice to me
• lower my tolerance level for b.s.
• meet three new people and recruit them to my team

My grandma and I just got into an argument, and although it just happened, I couldn’t tell you what it was about.

At the end of the day, I’m still pissed off at her for kicking me and Jeremy out of her house back in May. She annoys the living shit out of me by always throwing old shit in my face. She says stuff like, “I’m tired of being used and abused,” or she’ll rub in in my face that she paid my bills or has done stuff for me all my life, which was essentially out of pity because my dad wasn’t there for me growing up.

I don’t have the time or energy to argue with her about anything, but I still do. Why do I waste so much of my life doing so? I haven’t the slightest idea, but I feel disrespected by her when she rubs things in my face because a lot of the things she’s done for me, I feel was out of pity, so can you blame me for getting pissed off at her for making me feel like shit for what she decided to do on her own free will? I think not!

Don’t overcompensate for shit just to rub it in my face later is all I’m saying.

My mom caused my grandma to lose her house and she takes her anger out on everyone, except for the person who caused the problem in the first place. She’ll yell at me and say shit about how she’s been “‘used and abused,” but I don’t see what I’m doing to “use and abuse” her if SHE’S the one who said that she and my mom would help pay my bills. I wound up using my financial aid refund to pay my bills and get some things for myself and my house, which ran out last month or so, and now I have a bunch of bills that are due, as well as past due, and she’s telling me that since I’m doing her “wrong,” that she’s not going to pay my bills anymore, so I don’t know what I’m going to do at this point because I still haven’t received any of the child support payments for my son.

It’s no secret that I live on welfare and I have no income other than that, unless my friends are generous enough to let me borrow some money, which isn’t too often because they have their own bills to pay and whatnot. I just don’t think it’s fair that I have to deal with all the bullshit that my grandma is dishing out at me for shit that had/s nothing to do with me. She’s always trying to talk to me about why I snap at her, but I don’t have shit to say to her and she doesn’t realize that. If I don’t want to talk to you, then WHY THE FUCK are you trying to force me? You’d think in all the years she’s raised me, she’d know not to make me do something I don’t want to do, including talk. I sit at home by myself all day everyday, so when she comes over, I don’t want to talk to anybody.

I can’t lie and say that I’m over the past because I’m not, and, of course, I’m still pissed off at my grandma for kicking me out the house when Jeremy was sick.

His shit was neon colors and sprayed out of his butt like water, I mean this literally, and she didn’t care. We could’ve wound up dead and she would have been to blame for it because my nosey ass cousin decided to tell my grandma about a video I posted on Facebook about dick sizes. SO FUCKING WHAT?! I’m grown. I don’t need anyone’s permission to post what the fuck I want on the internet. It may come back to bite me in the ass on day, but it’s not that serious in my opinion. It’s not like I was posting pictures or videos of myself doing anything vulgar, so I don’t see what the issue is really. People like to make shit bigger than what it is.

At this point in the game, I don’t know what to do. Unless I get a job within the next couple weeks, I don’t know what I’m going to do as far as paying my bills cuz like I said before, I don’t have any income other than what welfare gives me, and that’s not enough to cover all of my bills. Only, one, and part of another if I’m lucky.

I do snap at her and yell at her, and I know that I shouldn’t, but I’m so sick and tired of her and her constant bullshit, and throwing stuff in my face, and her temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. We’re too fucking old to be doing shit like that, but she’s set in her ways. I have the potential to change, and I know that I can, as long as I’m away from her and my mom. Even though my mom and I never have had the best relationship, I have a better relationship with her now since my grandma kicked me out.

I feel BEYOND betrayed by the both of them.

No one understands how I feel, and that’s the worst part about this situation. All of their negativity trickles down on Jeremy whether they realize, or care, or not, and I’m just tired of it all.

I don’t know what I’m going to do…

It seems relationships are just not for me.

I’ve never been the girl with long hair, curvy hips, or a big ass and boobs, so it’s natural that I get picked last, if you will, to be someone’s girlfriend, and I could be extremely wrong, but I feel like most guys pursue me just to have sex… Then again, I could be right, BUT a lot of guys have the sole purpose of just wanting sex from me, and not a relationship, which is, to me, a natural part of being a guy, and that’s mostly why I keep my guard up and won’t pursue a guy who wants to date me, or at least acts like he does.

Let me reiterate that it DOES NOT happen often, and the last time it happened was fairly recently, but all the guy talked about was a us having a future together, and sex, and I ignore him as often as I can because, for one, he’s annoying, and two, nothing scares me more than thinking of myself having a future with someone who wants to be with me, unlike De’Sean, who I feel as though he feels forced to have a relationship with me, so he “runs” from his “problem,” which is having a child with someone who he no longer wants anything to do with.

But anyway, back to my foes and allies of relationships.

Foes: overthinking, a constant need for attention, and the lack of self-restraint.

I can take one bit of information and make the biggest issue out of it. Like this dilemma I’m having about a sweat suit De’Sean’s co-worker bought for Jeremy for Christmas. I’m not as worked up about it as I was before, but it’s still bothering me a bit. To me, it’s just a matter of respect, that’s all. And if the line was crossed, then of course, it’s going to be an issue, and I will make and issue of it. Whether De’Sean and I are together or not, I demand respect from him, and those around him. I don’t sully his name and I don’t allow those around me to do so; therefore, and I want the same amount of respect. It’s as simple as that.

I NEED ATTENTION! And if I don’t get all of it, I’ll get really pissed. Growing up was difficult because most of the attention I ever got was when I did something negative, so what do you do? Whatever it is that will get you some attention, no matter what it is or how you affect someone else. I like to think of myself as a rebel opposed to a “bad girl” because I don’t believe in falling into the norms of society, or doing what people think a “lady” should do. Fuck that! I like to smoke and drink, have wild sex, and get crunk and go hard, and as long as my grown-up business is taken care of (i.e.: bills paid, son taken care of, etc.), I can do what I damn well please. I’m a grown woman, and whoever doesn’t like it can suck my right nut. I spit, cuss, and wear bummy and baggy clothes because that’s what I feel like doing, and that’s what makes me who I am. That’s what makes me comfortable in my own skin.

I am a self-proclaimed opportunist. I will do just about anything as long as the opportunity presents itself. If there is no one around to stop me, I will do and say just about anything. Although I am old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with a lot of the decisions I make, AS LONG AS is doesn’t affect anyone directly or indirectly.

I’ve always been an opportunist when it comes to sex because I like it. I’ve slowed down a lot since I had a baby, but who am I really trying to fool? I could get with any guy I want, but that doesn’t make me a slut, hoe, etc. I enjoy sex A LOT more than most people, I think, and I don’t sleep with strangers or anything like that, just guys that I have an emotional connection with, but there’s no point in having feelings or emotions for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me, so I stopped having sex, and have only had sex once since then. At this point in my life, it doesn’t mean as much to me as being in a committed, loving relationship with someone who accepts all of me.

Allies: assertiveness and open-mindedness. Yessss!!

I’ve always been assertive. Whether I was being loud and aggressive, or stating my opinion and walking away, it’s always been my strong suit. My open-mindedness ties into this because NO ONE wants to hear a closed-minded S.O.B. run off at the mouth about anything. I like to research facts, and listen to other peoples’ opinions before I give mine so that I can understand where that person stands on the issue at hand. I also love to debate, not argue, but debate on certain issues. I can debate any topic, but I stay away from religion and gay rights. That’s a big no-no for me. I believe what the Bible says, whether God exists or not, but I also believe in rights for homosexual couples. If God is real, and homosexuality is a sin, then that’s for him to be the judge, but as long as I’m alive, I will not be mean or rude to any homosexual being because they are human just like I am.

At the end of the day…

·         I don’t need to be in a relationship until my life is in order;

·         I don’t need to be such an attention whore when I’m in a relationship; and

·         I hope that one day Mr. Right finds me, and we can live together in harmony, make babies, and have a great life with each other.

But until then, I’m on my grind to make a better life for Jeremy and me.

End of story… for now.